The Loss of Innocence--The Diary
by bloodscorpion88
Summary: The 18th chapter in "The Loss of Innocence." It reveals Tsukasa's private diary from her POV. RATED M FOR A REASON


CHAPTER 18

THE DIARY

***A/N: FIRST, LAST, AND ONLY WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS GRAPHIC AND EXPLICIT. CONSIDER YOURSELVES WARNED.**

Entry #1

What I remembered the most was Ryosuke's face when I first met him. He had no life in his eyes from the beginning. I thought I could change that by stepping up and proving that I wasn't the family's baby. I was wrong. He raped me. He and three friends raped me. As I swept the inside of the Kagura-den and humming happily, he surprised me later that night when I was alone. He waited for the perfect moment to take me and have me. When his three bastard friends surprised me, he grabbed me from behind and covered my mouth as the rest locked the door of the shrine and held knives to my face.

They put their knives to my face and threatened to kill me if I didn't satisfy their perverse desires. One of them ran the blade across my face to scare me before he cut my sash off and Ryosuke ripped my Miko outfit off. I tried to cover myself but received a blow to the back of my head and it knocked me to the floor. He grabbed me by the hair. I never knew such pain as he forced me to look at the picture of dad and he said "we're going to spoil you in front of your father."

Before I could scream, he ripped the ribbon from my hair and tied it across my mouth so I couldn't. They continued to rip and cut my outfit into shards as I tried to crawl into a ball and disappear. I wanted to die. They saw every part of my body. I thought I was going to Hell if they killed me. I wasn't married and I was about to have sex. I was scared of burning for all eternity. All I could scream into my ribbon over my mouth was "I'm sorry, daddy! Please forgive me! I don't want to go to Hell!"

They propped me up on my hands and knees as my miko outfit dangled off my body and I heard one of them say "Hey Satoshi, grab that broom! I have an idea!"

I looked at the other guy and he was videotaping my rape with his phone and I cried louder for sis, mom, dad, anyone. I closed my eyes and shook my head violently but it was then that the true horror began. I opened my eyes again and saw both a knife and one of their members in my face. He said to me, "No teeth and no screams. If I get any of them, you die."

He lifted my ribbon and with a quick thrust, it was in my mouth. I gagged and wanted to vomit but tried my best to hold it all in as I felt Ryosuke grab my buttocks from behind. It was quick as lightening and he was inside of me with a sudden lunge, and so was the pain. I felt my hymen tear like paper and I screamed as loud as I could as I was forced to pleasure the devil in front of me. It was so painful. I never felt anything so horrible in my life as he thrust it in and out of me faster and faster. I could feel blood dripping from my privates, down my legs, and I could hear it drip on the floor of the Kagura-den. I could hear it over their laughs and taunts. Ryosuke grabbed my breasts and for a moment, I thought he was going to tear them off my body as he squeezed and pulled them.

As Ryosuke continued to penetrate me, the man holding my broom walked to the portraits and tore my dad's off the wall and brought it to my face so his face was the only thing I could see. "How could you?! And in my own shrine, too! You're no daughter of mine! You're a worthless little slut!" He mocked me in an imitated voice as the rest of them laughed. I cried louder and prayed again that my father would forgive me. He threw my dad's portrait aside and said, "I say we DP this bitch."

I had no idea what he meant but soon feared it when they all agreed with laughter and Ryosuke quickly pulled out of me, sending more pain into my body. The man with his member in my mouth also pulled out and readjusted my ribbon over my mouth but before I could try and flee, the man pointing his camera phone at me raised his foot and kicked me in the ribs and it knocked the air out of me and I landed on my back.

Before I could recover, the guy who held the broom dropped it and bent down to me. He grabbed me by my hair and pulled me up, hurting me more and he quickly dropped himself onto the floor and pulled me on top of him. Grabbing my butt, he forced himself inside of me and my pain continued as I cried for help into the ribbon over my mouth. Ryosuke returned behind me and lowered himself closer to my back end and it got worse. I knew certain types of men had sex with each other there, but I never wanted it. He pushed himself into my butt. The pain was so intense I thought I was going to pass out as he thrust it in and out of me as my tears kept coming.

The first monster returned and put his member back into my mouth and also thrust it in and out and I closed my eyes. I didn't want to be there anymore. I tried to leave my body and leave the pain that was breaking it apart. It was no use. They caught onto my act and the man raping my mouth held my eyelids opened and said, "What are you closing your eyes for, little priestess?! You're missing a great show!"

Ryosuke squeezed my butt with all his might as he grunted and the inside of my butt felt hot. He grunted and groaned and held his member in place inside my second hole until he withdrew it and breathed hard. He laughed as he zipped his pants and smacked by butt again and said, "I'm starting to understand this great blessing shit."

The rapist below me who continued to penetrate my womanhood sped up, making me bleed more and forcing more pain into my body and he said, "Almost there!"

He released it inside me and I cried again and made the worst mistake. I accidentally scrapped the member inside my mouth with my teeth. He yelled with all his might and withdrew it from my mouth and as I tried to breathe again, he swung his hand down and slapped me across the face and it knocked me off the man underneath me and I cried and curled into a ball again.

"You bitch I said no teeth!" He yelled and I felt him spit on me as I continued to cry for mom.

"I know how to punish her. Prop her on her knees again." The man who was underneath me said and the man I accidentally bit grabbed me and pulled me up and forced me into the same embarrassing position with my bottom pointing towards them and up in the air. I was allowed to bury my face into the shrine's floors to hide from the humiliation, or so I thought I could.

I suddenly felt the cold wood of the broom against my butt and I tried to thrash but the man I bit grabbed me by the back of my neck and held me down. More tears came from my eyes and I realized at that point I was truly in Hell when he forced the broomstick into my butt as I cried and continued to kick and thrash but didn't move at all. He forced it as deep as it would go and I thought I was going to die the pain was so horrible.

They forced me to stay in that position for a long time as they pointed and laughed and took pictures with their phones. Ryosuke even posed with the broomstick in my butt and when it was finally ripped out, more pain swallowed me. I kept crying as I saw my life flashing before my eyes with sis and my family. I was convinced I wasn't going to leave that shrine alive.

The next thing I heard was, "Hey Daisuke, you've been filming the whole time so it's your turn to have a go at this bitch."

I saw him happily pass his camera phone to Ryosuke and the one who was Daisuke raised his foot again and kicked me on my pulsing butt; it only made the pain worse and he flipped me on my back and he was suddenly inside me. As I cried in more pain, he held a knife to my face and said, "Don't you dare close your eyes or I'll slit your eyelids off so you'll have no choice but to watch me fuck you. Understand?"

I nodded quickly and he began to pump himself inside me over and over again. He dragged his tongue over my face and breasts as he too groped and squeezed them to the point where it broke my skin. I obeyed everything he said and yet he still slapped me repeatedly across my face and he even wrapped his hands around my neck and strangled me. I could see that he loved watching pain. He lasted the longest until he released himself inside me and it was over. Ryosuke put the camera phone to my crying face and said, "Thank you, sweetheart. You sure know how to show some men a good time. You might be able to convert us yet."

They continued to laugh as they quickly ran out of the shrine and I kept crying. I don't know how long I stayed on those cold floorboards naked and crying. It was long enough for me to rethink my whole view of humanity as I curled into a ball and cried with the silence of the night my only company. As my body continued to pulse, burn, and bleed, I eventually heard sis's voice scream my name and I felt her warm touch pulling me up. Thank you, sis. But you were too late.

Entry #2

My room is becoming crowded now. Ever since I was violated three days ago, gifts from everyone I know, and even people I don't know have been forced upon me. All I want is space. Being suffocated by all these things reminds me of my rape. I'm being raped again…but by plush. I tried talking to Inori about it. She redirected the conversation away from my problem and gave me another stuffed animal. I talked to Matsuri about it. She rustled my hair and cooked her special paella for me and wouldn't let me leave until I ate every bite. I talked to mom about it. She hugged me tight and wouldn't let go, even when I began shaking and told her I didn't like it. She just hugged tighter and kept saying that she loved me. I should've told her it felt like that man was on top of me again and hurting me. I talked to dad about it. He bought me a new outfit. I talked to Kagami about it. She said that I need time to heal and that I'll always be her baby sister. I felt frustrated but I couldn't say anything else to any more people. Don't they know I'm hurt and that I feel suffocated by all this love and attention when all I need is space to breathe?

Entry #3

I thought I would try writing poetry to express my sadness. I call this one "Smile No More."

I lived and breathed to help all,

serving mankind, that was my call.

He came into my life in a dash,

I smile for him, he returns it in a flash.

I offer him my help,

he takes me and made me yelp.

I smile no more,

this new feeling I abhor.

My smile is gone, a broken shape,

I now see a fate of no escape.

My warmth is gone, leaving a frozen core,

all because I smile no more.

Entry #4

"Listen To Me"

Mommy, mommy listen to me,

daddy, daddy can't you see?

This crime haunts my every dream,

it makes me want to cry and scream.

Your eyes on me are a cage,

in these bars I feel the mounting rage.

Why won't you let me be?

Why did this rape find me?

All I have done is cry and cry,

while I ask why oh why.

Mommy, mommy listen to me,

daddy, daddy, can't you see?

My days are cold, my nights are long,

I feel a hate inside oh so strong.

Listen to me before it's too late,

destruction and pain, I feel I will create.

Entry # 5

Mom still won't let me go to school. I wish I could go and tell everyone to stop sending sis home with more gifts for me. It's becoming unbearably uncomfortable in my room and I feel they're trying to control me through gifts. I heard mom and dad talking last night and they said that they're going to do whatever they feel is necessary to make me "normal" again. Normal. What does that mean? More importantly, what does that mean to them? Am I their doll or some sort of court jester with no place other than baby in this family? Do they think that if they bury me in plush that it'll heal this wound in my heart and body and I'll forget about what happened to me? It only hurts me more now that I have to ask this question, but should I trust my own family? If there's a god out there, I pray that I'm wrong and that I find the strength to get through this trying time. Inori though, only makes this question more real. I heard her talking to one of her college friends on the phone yesterday and she said that it was her religious duty to forgive the rapists and to show them compassion. Would she let them hurt me again if they tried? If it was just me, her, and them, would she still show them compassion, even if and when they would rape her too? Something's telling me if I asked her these questions, I wouldn't like the responses.

Entry # 6

Over a week has passed since I was raped and I think I still feel angry. I don't know. I couldn't help but notice I'm beginning to feel less and less. Whenever I try and think about things that once made me happy like owning a puppy or cooking with mom, I feel nothing. No happiness, not even any sadness. I feel like my mind is a blank slate. What could this mean? I had another nightmare again last night but it wasn't about the rape for once. Thank god it wasn't about the broom for once either. I dreamt that I was standing over Matsuri and she was trying to hold her intestines in and crying for mom. I looked at my hand and I was gripping a knife soaked in blood. I once heard something on one of those doctor talk shows that after a traumatic event, a victim will repress themselves into a cocoon inside their head and formulate a new identity in an attempt to keep the bad memories away. Are these nightmares my new identity? Fantasizing about murdering my sisters? I don't know…yet I don't feel sympathy. What I want more than anything is for all of us to act like this never happened, but my family won't let me do that. I was raped, so in their eyes, that automatically makes me a damaged product that needs "extra" attention constantly and needs to be treated differently. I don't think they even know that every time they treat me extra special, it only reminds me of why they're treating me this way. They won't let this rape leave my mind. I tried once again to talk to them about it but they still won't listen. Mom's exact words were, "I know what's best for you, Tsukasa. I'm your mother." As I write this, I feel something. Something new. Something strange. Something angry.

Entry # 7

Woke up at 7:30 am this morning to a rabbit's face. Misao brought that stuffed rabbit over…and I wanted to say how hideous it was. I felt I actually wanted__to hurt her feelings. I wanted to make her cry. Why is that? I'm in pain so does that mean I want everyone else to be in pain? Something new has been happening in my mind recently. It's like my life is the belt on a treadmill. When one day ends, it reappears the very next day and everything plays in sync again with me not going anywhere. I feel like an empty shell on the beach. When will my shell be filled again?

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a baby with a yellow ribbon in her hair. I remember when mom gave me that yellow ribbon. I was a little girl on my first day of school. That was long ago and I don't want to be the family's baby anymore. Inori and Kagami still see me that way. I feel anger. I've never felt such anger. It mounted and burst when Inori gave me a card from Yutaka and Minami. I couldn't help it. I tore it to shreds and fantasized happily about little Yu-chan on her knees crying as I laughed at her. I want to bring them pain. I want them to leave me alone forever. If I bring them pain, that will make them stay away from me and maybe I can begin to forget about what happened and moved on. Why do I suddenly feel wet after thinking about bloodshed? I'm no baby. Something's gotta give.

Entry # 8

"To my rapists."

I saw your face in my mind today,

I only wanted to snap and make you pay.

Pictures of your blood flash in my head,

pictures of you laying on the floor dead.

Never to come back with your perverted attacks,

I smile as I lick your brains from my axe.

I think back to all the pain and the hurt,

as I cover your body and piss on the dirt.

As I turn to walk down this empty street,

I walk to the rhythm your heart used to beat.

You took my innocence, all I can do is cry,

while I fantasize maggots eat your eyes.

You're still free; I'm your trophy rape,

a fate that is mine, never to escape.

Entry # 9

I can still hear dad yelling through the walls. I was finally at long fucking last able to go to school again and Kagami found a way to fuck it up for me. Apparently Tamura-san really thought my rape was sexy and decided to make a manga out of it. Misao spilled the beans to her and she beat the shit out of her from what I was told. I didn't ask Kagami to come to my rescue. I'm not weak. I'm not weak. I'm not weak. She fucked this up for me. I want things to go back to the way they were and to never think about it ever again. Kagami getting involved in this affair only called more attention to it. What's the point of even talking to them about it anymore? They won't listen. Dad is going to punish Kagami but why do I feel it's not enough? Had another dream last night. I dreamt I was pulling all of Inori's teeth out of her jaw one at a time with a pair of pliers. When they were all out and as she continued to cry and bleed, I took a power drill and drilled massive holes into the bleeding holes where the teeth once sat. Her screams made me feel aroused. So aroused that when I woke up, I was wet and I had to keep touching myself until I felt relief. I'm starting to like this mixture of pain and pleasure. It makes me feel alive. It gives me a rush…it takes my memories away. I don't have to think when I see death and pain.

Entry # 10

"Flames"

Walls of color rise high,

the heat takes this religious lie.

The shrine continues to burn,

this family's demise I still yearn.

I see the rapists trapped inside,

they scream knowing they'll be fried.

Blood boils, their flesh melts,

charred bodies, a beautiful smelt.

Their skin goes, I see their bones,

I stomp them to dust, my soul a cold stone.

Their guts are left for the rats,

I join them, it's a great splat.

The shrine goes up in flames,

I'm aroused playing Satan's games.

Father will cry, wanting to die.

This family will wither and burn,

just like the shrine, it's their turn.

Entry # 11

I've been watching from my window all morning. Fire trucks and cop cars have been working to extinguish the last of the fire I set to the shrine the previous night. I never saw my dad cry before until he saw what I did and that his precious Kagura-den was reduced to a pile of black wood. Inori also cried like a baby. For some reason, I had a dream last night about when we were kids and when Inori first showed me how to perform the Kagura dance. Thinking about it now, I also remember one Christmas when dad got me my first Miko outfit and we danced together, just the two of us, in that shrine. It serves them right. Next time, I'll probably set fire to the Honden, the most sacred building here. Who knows? I've also contemplated burning this house down while my "family" sleeps. I'm thinking about skipping school today, but I don't know where I'd go. All I want is to get out of this fucking house for the day, if not longer. I heard about this one store called The Black Window that sells clothes that could help me change this goddamn religious persona that still plagues my existence.

Entry # 12

The bitch is free.

Entry # 13

I slapped Kagami like the bitch she is when I got home a few hours ago from a rave with a new piece of ass I call my own. What pisses me off more than anything is that Matsuri just tried to talk to me and she said she knew how I felt. How I felt. How I felt. Like she was right there beside me getting fucked and sodomized and forced to suck those demons dry. I hate her. Not just her. I hate them all. All I can think of is their deaths. Torturing them as they're torturing me. They still want to rule my life with an iron fist with medical programs and sending me to the nut house. They think they can just continue to coddle me and it'll erase what happened. I'm out of here. I'm going to spend the night with a new friend.

Entry # 14

Got arrested for beating Matsuri. Had the same dream last night again of those monsters raping me. Thank god for that asshole guard for waking me up before the pain of the broomstick came again. I can't take it anymore. Goodbye forever.

Entry # 15

Failed at offing myself, but it's not so bad. My former family is sinking like a stone and I actually feel satisfied. Kagami made a pathetic attempt to try and beg me to come back to the family and it seems that I'm not the only one with issues. She butchered her hair in a worthless attempt to look like me. Crazy cunt, and the fact that I'm writing that shows how fucked up things have become here. Some fucker was able to photograph my dancing show at the rave and posted pictures of it all over the shrine. After this second attempt on my life and after I came home and quickly looked around the shrine, I said "I look damn good in these pictures." Kudos to whoever caught that side of me. I'm banished from these religious fucks and not a moment too soon. Every time I look at them now all I see is those pigs who made me into an empty shell of a woman. I'll probably give Matsuri or even Inori one final ass-kicking before I leave this putrid cesspit of spiritual tolerance. The same tolerance that made Inori say she forgave the animals who did that to me. I'll die one day, sure, but when I do and when I'm sent to Hell, I can't wait to see them again so I can have my fair shot at them. I'm going to Hell anyway. Having sex out of wedlock. Of all things that would throw me into the lakes of fire. What a shitty life. At least I can safely say I made theirs as horrible as they've made mine since I was raped and with that in mind, I can finally—

*Got cutoff when Kagami interrupted and had the standoff with Tsukasa and the knife.


End file.
